It was like a bad horror movie; woman alone, relaxing in her bed watching a movie in the dark. It's quiet outside and the brown curtains flutter against the windows allowing the summer breeze to cool her languid body. Her eyelids begin to lower when all of a sudden, out of her peripheral vision, she sees something large and black scurry over her head across the low ceiling only to stop in the middle of the room. She knew immediately that she was going to have to fight whatever it was that was there.
As the woman pushes herself as far back as she can into the propped pillows behind her she says, “Ooooh God that was NOT a Gecko…Shiiiit!” Shuffling as far away from the shadowed 5 inch unidentified crawling object, she attempts to get to the light switch on the wall which is across the room in hopes that the creature will not jump on her face and suck at her soul. She can feel the intruder staring at her back as she quickly scampered to the opposite wall.
Light floods the dark room and suddenly we hear,
“Eeeeeek, aaaaaaaaaah, no no no no no nooooo. Shitshitshitshitshitshiiit! Oh gawd, whyeeeee…mmmggghghghhhaa…Damn it!”
She runs outside to retrieve the broom propped against the fence and quickly returns to find the creature, which the woman can now identify as an extremely large Cane Spider the size of a man’s hand, still waiting for her in the middle of her ceiling. The woman squeals and tries to sweep the large arachnid from the ceiling toward the door in hopes that it will happily leave. This is not the case, however, and the spider deftly avoids her as well as her broom moving like a cyborg-matrix-alien-robot-creature from the depth of hell only to hide behind the couch.
What ensues from this point is something that one might see in a movie of Charlie Chaplin’s or Lucille Ball’s where the clownish main character tries and tries to catch something or someone but only succeeds in making a fool of themselves as well as destroying the environment around them.
After the couch was turned over, the rug pushed into a modern art piece as well as numerous clothes and pillows strewn throughout the apartment, the oversized creature took its fighting stance in the corner above the woman’s bed. The woman stood panting, sweating and completely defeated in the middle of the room.
“Fine, you won’t leave then I’m just going to have to call in the cavalry.”
Running upstairs, the woman asks one of her neighbors if he could kindly handle the hefty pest issue that she was troubled with. As she tippy toed/ jumped to see who was inside of their kitchen window, it sounded something like this:
“Jimmy…Jimmy…Jimmy, Jimmy!”
“Wha, yeah? Oh, hey, what’s up?”
“I’m so sorry but I have a huge spider that I can’t seem to handle and I really just need someone to come down and take it outside …or kill it…it’s really up to you. I just need it gone.”
“Sure.”
“Oh my god, seriously? It’s really really big but thank you so much.”
The brave male neighbor comes out of his house with a napkin and a fuchsia can of Raid.
“Um, I really don’t’ think that Raid is gonna do much unless you want to use it as a weapon. It’s an abnormally big Cane Spider.”
“Cane Spider? How did it get over here?”
“Mmm, I really don’t know. I didn’t even have time to assess that before it let me know it was residing behind my bed.”
As the neighbors walk into the quiet studio, they both notice the large black object positioned in the corner of the room.
“Do you see it?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“I know, man. I’ve been battling that thing for the last 15 minutes and I totally lost.”
“I can tell.” he says as he walks past the couch lying upside down.
As Jimmy the neighbor walks toward the large spider looming over the bed he says, “I don’t’ want to get anything dirty.”
“It’s fine, really Jimmy. Do whatever it takes to get it out, please.”
“Well, I’m gonna have to kill it.”
“That’s fine too. Do you want a larger weapon? A pan maybe?”
“No, I think I got it.”
He then opens the napkin enveloping the Spider and so ends the crazy mêlée.
Jimmy the neighbor turns to the woman with his wadded napkin of big dead spider. Legs protrude out of the tops of his fingers like a gift that can’t be wrapped properly because the paper doesn’t fit over it. Holding his spider gift in hand and talking casually, Jimmy the neighbor says, “Wow. That thing was really big. The place looks great though; I like what you’ve done with it.”
In total shock and awe the woman tries to remember her manners and closes her mouth, “Thanks Jimmy. I definitely owe you one. I just hope I can fall asleep now and that it doesn’t have a mate.”
